Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Gracefully Broken

Hello everybody,

I wanted to give you all an update on what I have been up to these last 2 months and just about the transition so far. I spent the rest of January and February catching up with friends and family, car shopping and job searching. I accepted a job with a visiting nurse service in my area and will be doing home hospice care. Home care in general I know is going to be very different than the hospital setting but I'm looking forward to gaining new skills and walking with patients and family members through the end of life journey.

As far as my transition home goes I think sometimes you don't realize how fast you are moving until you finally stop. Rest and reflect. A lot of emotions and situations have hit me hard over the last few months. I knew it would come. As much as I want everything to be back to "normal" (whatever that means or likes like) I can't rush this process. In 2017 I was in the rhythm of pouring myself out and I know God was sustaining me the whole time. However, it has been in these particular last few months of readjustment and unknowns that God has been sort of just holding me in His loving, all knowing, and all powerful embrace. Giving me permission to rest, wait and listen. Urging me to stop doubting and pushing against all the good and perfect plans he has for me now.

One of the lies I have been battling with is that my best days are behind me. Will I find a job or purpose as fulfilling as Mercy Ships or the work I have been doing there? I found myself reading one of my previous posts     In this post I talked about the act of opening our hands to receive the good gifts that God wants to give us. I'm glad that God gives us as many chances or opportunities that we need to really learn and take hold of these truths. In these last few months I have been reminded of how often I come to God with my hands clenched not in anger but just holding on tightly to my desires, dreams and plans. But Lord I love this and I want to do this? But Lord I really want to go here or there? But Lord how about this idea? Doesn't that timing sound better?

I'm learning that coming to God with open hands is not to just receive but is more so an act of surrender. When we come to God and release those things that we hold onto so tightly we are saying God I trust you. In the end this act of surrender sets us up to receive God's absolute BEST.

I know it sounds simple and maybe something many of you already do but I can't tell you how often I have had to do this over the last few months. Some days I did it better than others. However, the peace and hope that would rise within me when I did do this was absolutely overwhelming. I just needed a reminder of my identity and of who I belong to. A reminder that He is with me, that He is for me and that my best days are absolutely not behind me. I needed a reminder of where this all started. One single step. One simple yes. One act of surrender. 

The truth of the matter is that my heart has been stretched and enlarged so much that it can never be the same. I plan to continue to love the one in front of me, and to pour myself into whatever task or situation is put in front of me. I can't say I don't hope these feet wander back to Africa but I open my hands to release these desires into his hands knowing that he holds my heart.

As always I welcome any discussion or questions you have about my time with Mercy Ships or whatever I'm up too. I have so enjoyed sitting around a table, sharing a meal or dessert and spending time with many of you. I have said it before but being away truly does make the reunion with friends and family that much sweeter. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, walking this journey with me and for your continued love, support and prayers. 


"Here I am, God
Arms wide open

Pouring out my life

Gracefully broken
My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose for me
You won't forsake me, You will be with me"

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